It's amazing what time can do; it's capable of enhancing beauty, and tarnishing things once beautiful. The latter, though, is usually unfortunate, sometimes a little bit heartbreaking; and generally leaves us missing the beauty we once admired.
I've had to learn a really hard lesson recently: people change, and like the tarnished beauty, sometimes time changes people in ways that we wouldn't prefer.
It'd be better to forget you, but I don't really want to.
-G&tH.
I wanted to add this in...
Even though people may disappoint us over and over again, God won't ever.
He is good and ultimately, He is sovereign.
He will never leave or forsake us; no matter how many times other people do.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Compelled
(October 24th, 2008) “And now, compelled by the Spirit, I am going to Jerusalem, not knowing what will happen to me there. I only know that in every city the Holy Spirit warns me that prison and hardships are facing me. However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me- the task of testifying to the gospel of God’s grace.” Acts 20:22-24.
Paul’s obedience to the Spirit in this verse (and in general...) astounds me… there is no other way to say it.
“…compelled by the Spirit.” ..wow.
I want to get to a place in my walk where I have such an intimacy with the Holy Spirit that I am literally compelled to do something He tells me to do. If I feel lead to deliver a prophetic word, I will. If I feel lead to pray for someone, I will. If I feel lead to pick up a piece of trash and serve that way, I will.
Paul knew he was going to be persecuted, but his life meant nothing to him… the only thing he wanted was to continue spreading the gospel. I want to be there. I want to be like that. No fears, no inhibitions , just a life completely lead and compelled by the Spirit of the living God.
God- Mold me and compel me. Make me aware of the things I can to do to better serve You and bring You glory. I live to make You famous.
Paul’s obedience to the Spirit in this verse (and in general...) astounds me… there is no other way to say it.
“…compelled by the Spirit.” ..wow.
I want to get to a place in my walk where I have such an intimacy with the Holy Spirit that I am literally compelled to do something He tells me to do. If I feel lead to deliver a prophetic word, I will. If I feel lead to pray for someone, I will. If I feel lead to pick up a piece of trash and serve that way, I will.
Paul knew he was going to be persecuted, but his life meant nothing to him… the only thing he wanted was to continue spreading the gospel. I want to be there. I want to be like that. No fears, no inhibitions , just a life completely lead and compelled by the Spirit of the living God.
God- Mold me and compel me. Make me aware of the things I can to do to better serve You and bring You glory. I live to make You famous.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Clearing up the disconnect
For the past few weeks, I've had this intense disconnect between my head and my heart. It's like I've had so much to say, and no way to express it; no words, no pictures, no melodies, no movements, not even a tear.
I've found myself sitting in my room, wrestles because of everything going on in my head, and frozen because of the things going on in my heart. This communication barrier is making me insane... and not even the barrier that's keeping me from telling everyone else how I'm feeling, but mostly the one that's keeping me from understand exactly why I'm feeling like this. It's almost as if I could go down a list of a hundred different things that are bothering me at any moment, and still not feel satisfied; like none of the things I listed are the reason I'm feeling so weird.
I hate feeling squirmy, like I'm uncomfortable in my own skin- I need peace.
I hate this frustration; not feeling like myself, the absence of laughter, not enough smiles- I need more joy.
I need to know that You're near me.
I've found myself sitting in my room, wrestles because of everything going on in my head, and frozen because of the things going on in my heart. This communication barrier is making me insane... and not even the barrier that's keeping me from telling everyone else how I'm feeling, but mostly the one that's keeping me from understand exactly why I'm feeling like this. It's almost as if I could go down a list of a hundred different things that are bothering me at any moment, and still not feel satisfied; like none of the things I listed are the reason I'm feeling so weird.
I hate feeling squirmy, like I'm uncomfortable in my own skin- I need peace.
I hate this frustration; not feeling like myself, the absence of laughter, not enough smiles- I need more joy.
I need to know that You're near me.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Laying Out My Heart
This year I've been learning how to trust again; sounds intense, I know.
The truth is, though, that I never really learned how to fully trust in the first place; and I think that's why this has been so strange for me.
Because for me, this isn't actually a new skill, it's just something I have to learn to do better.
Today I was talking to someone who pointed out the masks that some people wear; and something clicked for me- that the different sides of that people see aren't always fake, but sometimes they're just different parts of us. Sometimes.
I have a really hard time letting people see the deepest, most personal and intimate parts of who I am; because quite honestly, I don't want to get rejected. For me, the most intimate part of my life, the most beautiful part of me, is my relationship with God- it's the part of my life that I hold closest to me. So for some strange reason, I have trouble communicating the love and passion I have for Him; but that doesn't mean that it's not there, it just means that when I'm with people that haven't gained the trust I think they should, I tend to hold back.
I'm not proud of this.
Have you ever been in a group of people and gotten and idea, but been really nervous to say it... then suddenly, out of no where, you just blurted it out? Then there are always those few painful seconds you get to wait while everyone processes what you just said; and for a second, you feel completely vulnerable, exposed, naked.
I hate being that exposed; and that's why I'm learning to trust again.
I'm learning that God is my Defender, and that even in the moments when I lay my heart out for the world to see, He will protect me- He will protect my heart and my reputation.
So, I guess in a way, I'm learning to trust God just as much as I'm learning to trust people; to have complete faith in Him and in what He's doing.
He is faithful, and He won't leave me naked in front of a crowd of a million people.
The truth is, though, that I never really learned how to fully trust in the first place; and I think that's why this has been so strange for me.
Because for me, this isn't actually a new skill, it's just something I have to learn to do better.
Today I was talking to someone who pointed out the masks that some people wear; and something clicked for me- that the different sides of that people see aren't always fake, but sometimes they're just different parts of us. Sometimes.
I have a really hard time letting people see the deepest, most personal and intimate parts of who I am; because quite honestly, I don't want to get rejected. For me, the most intimate part of my life, the most beautiful part of me, is my relationship with God- it's the part of my life that I hold closest to me. So for some strange reason, I have trouble communicating the love and passion I have for Him; but that doesn't mean that it's not there, it just means that when I'm with people that haven't gained the trust I think they should, I tend to hold back.
I'm not proud of this.
Have you ever been in a group of people and gotten and idea, but been really nervous to say it... then suddenly, out of no where, you just blurted it out? Then there are always those few painful seconds you get to wait while everyone processes what you just said; and for a second, you feel completely vulnerable, exposed, naked.
I hate being that exposed; and that's why I'm learning to trust again.
I'm learning that God is my Defender, and that even in the moments when I lay my heart out for the world to see, He will protect me- He will protect my heart and my reputation.
So, I guess in a way, I'm learning to trust God just as much as I'm learning to trust people; to have complete faith in Him and in what He's doing.
He is faithful, and He won't leave me naked in front of a crowd of a million people.
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